The Scrabbled: Making Fun of Each Other since '99

Dateline Tel Aviv/ Associated Press

April 12: In years past, it has been reported that the Zombified body of the Christian Messiah, Jesus, has risen from his desert tomb and wondered the countryside giving pastel colored treats in exchange for small rabbits brains. This year, however, no body has risen. Children stand with their sacrificial rabbits disappointed.

April 8th, Tehran, Iran:

In an effort to gain support for an invasion of Iran, the White House has released satellite images taken early this morning. White House Press Secretary Tony Snow this morning addressed the images:

“As is the occurance every year at Easter time, our Lord and Savior has risen from the dead and begun to wander the countryside. However, there is a threat coming from Iran that seeks to destroy our beloved zombie lord. These images prove beyond the shadow of a doubt that we must invade Iran to keep any more abominations of nature from threatening our way of life.”

The images to which Mr. Snow is referring show a 30 foot tall glowing nuclear powered rabbit heading towards Israel. The rabbit, believed to have originally been of the species Oryctolagus Cuniculus was introduced to the Iranian ecosystem during the British Colonial period of the middle 19th century. During the build-up of the Iranian nuclear program, it is believed that top Iranian geneticists introduced several rabbits to certain types of nuclear radiation in an effort to recreate what they refer to as “The Hulk Effect.”

The White House claims that this particular rabbit has been implanted with computer chips, and programmed not only to go on a path of destruction through Iraq and into Israel, but to fight and destroy once and for all the Lord Zombie Jesus.

President Bush is scheduled to meet with the full body of congress later this afternoon in an effort to rally support for an invasion of Iran. Snow wrapped up his speech earlier this morning with this:

“We cannot afford to allow rogue nations to have this kind of power. This rabbit is 30 feet tall. It can shoot nuclear lazers from its eyes and is capable of causing earthquakes of magnatude 4.3 with every hop. It is not only a threat to Israel, but a threat to every freedom loving country on the face of the Earth. These people are Godless madmen, and they need to be stopped. The President will hope to appeal to congress using logical arguments like those…”

Jerusalem – April 16, 2006 (Associated Press)

Having little time to deal with the yearly menace of the zombie savior of the Christian faith, the Israeli army last night posted several dozen armed soldiers around the tomb of the man known as Jesus Christ.

As the body has done for more than 2000 years, it was expected that the boulder blocking the entrance to Jesus’ tomb would mystically move from its place, and the zombified remains of the self-proclaimed “Son of God” would exit the tomb and spend the next 24 hours roaming the countryside eating the flesh of those who would get in his was, as well as preaching the benefits of being good to one another and driving the Romans out from Judea and Galilee.

“What with the current situation with the Palestinians saying they want to remove us from the face of the Earth, and the Iranians saying they want to remove us from the face of the Earth, and the Syrians saying they want to remove us from the face of the Earth, we just don’t have the time to deal with this major inconvience at this time,” said Israeli General Marron Sheqelstein. “It’s a situation that creates a media storm, and we are hoping to avoid it by driving the body back into the cave with enough firepower to ‘shock and awe’ it into submission.”

However, it may seem that the troop deployment may end up being for naught. An X-ray of the tomb early this morning revealed it to be empty. If this is actually the case, it would seem to mean that Zombie Jesus has already escaped from his tomb, and is indeed wandering the countryside. “We have issued a curfew in cities where it is known he spent time during his life,” said Secretary of Zopmbie Safety Irvin Mortlinberg. “Nazareth, Bethlehem, Jericho; these are just a few of the cities that have 3:00 P.M. curfews. We are looking to keep casulties down this year.”

Christians the world over are protesting Israel’s attempts to keep Zombie Jesus in his tomb. Christian Coalition founder, Marion Gordon “Pat” Robertson said in a recent interview that, “It is against God’s will that these hateful, disgusting, filthy beasts should try to keep our lord and savior locked away in his tomb. It is His will that He should rise again, and give us good, honest, hardworking, America loving Christians the purest example of how to live: eating the flesh of Jews.”

“Failure to let this beautiful process repeat as it has done since time immemorial would be an affront to His greatness. The hand of God has struck Israel once already this year when God himself smote Ariel Sharon for dividing the Holy Land for those morally challenged Palestinians. Do they honestly want to draw the ire of He who is called I Am again?”

An Israeli man believes that he knows the location of Zombie Jesus, and that he was the survivor of an attack, “I had a dream that i was on a beach walking alone. I saw only one set of pastel colored footprints, but when i looked up, i saw Zombie Jesus carrying me. I struggled as he looked at me with his horrible Zombified eyes and said, ‘I aaaaammmmm carrrryyyiiiiingg yyyoooouuuuu… BRAAAAAIIIINNSSSS!’ That’s when i woke up, but i WAS on the beach, and there WERE pink and blue pastel colored footprints! It was the most horrifying moment of my life!”

Because Jeff is apparently too lazy to post something similar, I give you Jeff’s post from Last Easter.

“For what is seemingly the two thousand and fourth time, the body of Joshoa of Nazareth has risen from its grave and has currently been seen rampaging the Israeli countryside, and in the first sign of true unity between the Israeli and Palestinian people, they have formed a coalition the likes of which has never been seen to fight this horrific zombie menace.