The Best Review of Twilight I've Ever Read
From an acquaintance on Banned Bill’s board.
I’ve had the extreme displeasure of reading lengthy excerpts of Twilight. All the women I know at work simultaneously urinate themselves at the mere mention of the book. The second they found out I hadn’t been “initiated,” they barreled over in a foamy-mouthed mob and thrust the book in my hands.
Needless to say, I didn’t make it very far. It is such an enormous load of fecal matter, I’m surprised I don’t have giardiasis. It’s some of THE most abysmal writing I have ever read in my entire life—and I’ve read a LOT of shitty writing. It reads like an angsty thirteen year-old girl’s Livejournal with all its staggeringly dull minutiae and boo-hooing over OMGOMGBOYSOMGOMG and no-one-understands-me-because-I-read-Bronte cliches. Throw in a little Hot Topic and we have ourselves a winner. I’m surprised it isn’t packaged in a Lisa Frank portfolio. Content aside, however, the writing is dreadful. Every sentence clings to an adverb as its lifeblood; meanwhile, the other parts of speech laze around each sentence, staring out the window, picking at their teeth, bored out of their wits. Occasionally an adjective or verb whooshes by like tumbleweed.
I’m not saying every book has to be Dostoevsky or bust; it’s not like I don’t read certain books strictly for entertainment rather than intellectual fodder. But the Berenstain Bears and the Messy Room is written forty times better than Twilight. Hell, a bowl of Alphabits strings words together better than Stephenie Meyer.
I’ve heard the movie is just as laughable as the book. If you insist on subjecting yourself to one, see the movie: I’d rather suffer two hours of nausea than a few hundred pages.
Comments
Yep. Prett-y much. I would’ve loved it when I was in 8th grade, which pretty much tells you the reading level of all these American Idol mom-types. I can’t tell you how many times I thought, “Just open a thesaurus! Pick the next word on the list!”
I’ve also heard the special effects for the movie are awful, so it’s not even worth seeing for the spectacle.
my review of the movie (ok of the previews because i won’t see it): YOU CAN TELL THIS MOVIE IS DARK and TROUBLED BECAUSE THEY USED A BLUE FILTER ON THE CAMERA. HEY THAT GUY LOOKS LIKE CEDRIC DIGGORY. THE END.
i was under the impression that the book was indeed meant for the likes of 8th graders, as was the movie (hence all of the insane fangirls). in that respect, who gives a shit and why are you wasting your time reading reviews about it? why not post about The Babysitters Club, too?
HOWEVER, if the book was actually written and marketed to an older crowd then have at it and i’ll watch the carnage from a slight and pleasurable distance.
Regardless of who it’s written and marketed towards, grown women (named Christina) are reading it.
mandy said:i was under the impression that the book was indeed meant for the likes of 8th graders, as was the movie (hence all of the insane fangirls). in that respect, who gives a shit and why are you wasting your time reading reviews about it? why not post about The Babysitters Club, too?
HOWEVER, if the book was actually written and marketed to an older crowd then have at it and i’ll watch the carnage from a slight and pleasurable distance.
my thoughts exactly.
John said:Regardless of who it’s written and marketed towards, grown women (named Christina) are reading it.
yeah lauran read the first one, told me i’d like the love story. so, i read it in a few days. and then, i spent about a week and a half reading three more. fuck yeah they are terribly written, but the story was cute and lauran knows i’m obsessed with vampires in general. if my mom reads it, i’ll snatch it out of her hands and bop her on the head. i’m a reader and a writer. i know when i’m reading shite.
just because it’s written for thirteen year olds doesn’t mean it needs to read like it was written by one.
I’m sensing jealousy. This book was written by an Arizona mom that just wanted to pay off her mini van early. It was by accident that it became such a hit.
Rod said:I’m sensing jealousy. This book was written by an Arizona mom that just wanted to pay off her mini van early. It was by accident that it became such a hit.
yeah this woman is by no means an author. i doubt she’ll ever write a book again. she needed money. she likes vamps. she’s a millionaire now.