The Scrabbled: Making Fun of Each Other since '99

I forget the name and brand, but it was with passion fruit. I’ll update this post when I remember the brand.

This was the only yogurt I bought that didn’t contain strawberries. I tried to get strawberries for all of them for even comparison, but alas, this brand had all fancy fruits like the one I bought — Passion fruit and some other crap.

It could have tasted good. It really could have. I think it even might have. But the texture totally destroyed it for me. It was liquid. Not that semi-solid gooeyness of normal yogurt or like gelatinous custard-style. No, it was liquid. And it seemed… aerated. Like I had shaken it a bunch before opening. The resulting texture was not too dissimilar from yogurt-flavored froth.

I give it a 2 out of 5.

Brown Cow “Cream on top” with Strawberries

I love cream. Iced, whipped, or whatever, it satisfies my fat tooth like nothing else. So I read “cream on top” and I’m all “alright! I’m pumped for this.” Then I opened it. It looked less like cream on top and more like bleached pond scum. Didn’t taste much different either.

The fruit on the bottom really wasn’t doing it for me either because it effectively created three very unstable layers. From top to bottom, it went cream-scum, semi-hard yogurt, fruit-like goo. The effective result was that as soon as you dipped your spoon in, the layers slid around on top of one another, boundaries were invaded, and eventually became yogurt sludge without any distinction between layers to (not) enjoy.

2 out of 5.

Liberte Six Grains with Strawberries

When I read on the package that it contained barely and whole wheat, I thought maybe it was integrated into the yogurt. No. Floating in my yogurt were hard, rice-like pieces of grain doing their best to feel like insects and gag me with every bite. And gag I did. I manage to make it down to the fruit on the bottom and found that it had the remarkable quality of being both gooier than the other yogurts, but also harder; the actual pieces of fruit seemed freeze dried and were thus disgustingly chewy. I barely finished the container.

1 out of five.

Fage 2% with Strawberries

While my immediate reaction to this harder, cheesier greek yogurt was outright disgust, by the time I was done, I found I was actually enjoying it. Fage is certainly helped by the fact that they keep their strawberry fruit goo— which was considerably more strawberry and less goo than the other yogurts —in a separate little compartment on the side. I was able to mix my fruit in as I saw fit and without any undesirable overmixing and gooification.

4 out of 5. Not a perfect score cause it’s still fucking yogurt. All said and done, this will be the yogurt I continue to eat for breakfast.

Also, in case you were wondering, my stomach’s still heavily fucked up. Yogurt didn’t help. Fuck you, yogurt.