The Scrabbled: Making Fun of Each Other since '99

I’ll begin about 3 months ago. You have to remember that for about 8 months out of the year, Phoenix has the best weather hands down. You can open your windows at night and let the breeze in and everything, it’s great. One night we decided to leave the windows open and enjoy the cool night air. Unfortunately, so did my neighbor. Him and his buddies went out to the patio, which is directly below our balcony, and decided to smoke some of the reefer. Our whole place smelled for the rest of the night even when we closed our windows. Awesome.

We kept the windows closed for the rest of the year because of the pot and regular cigarettes. It wasn’t the end of the world, just an inconvenience.

About a month later I was working on my bike on the balcony when I dropped a screw that fell through the planks and into his enclosed patio area. I sighed as I came to recognize that I would have to knock on his door and ask for my stupid screw. I slowly got up from working on the bike and went to visit my neighbor.

The conversation went something like this:
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK.
“Hey man, what’s up?,” he asks
“Oh, I dropped a screw in your patio. Sorry about that but do you think you might be able to look for it?”
“Yeah, no problem.”

A few minutes later pass by…

“Yeah dude, I don’t see it.”
“Would you mind if I looked for it? I know what it looks like and where it fell.”

He hesitantly lets me into his house and onto his patio. I notice (almost tripped over) his giant bong he had in the middle of the living room. You could see the gears turning inside his head trying desperately to come up with something to cover up the fact that he has a bong in the middle of his living room.

“Dude, do you smoke?”
“I’m actually going to look for the screw I dropped and finish fixing my bike.”

I didn’t really have any problems with him until last week. I was about to empty the vacuum bag when wifey cautioned me to empty it out on the balcony because of the dust. Yes, the same balcony where I dropped the screw. Seconds after I closed my balcony door I heard my neighbor’s patio door open very swiftly.

“Hey neighbor! How’s it going?” He asks
“Good, you?”
“Dude, they shut off my power.”
“That sucks man, I’m sorry to hear that.”
“Would it be cool if I gave you 20 bucks and threw up an extension cord for you to plug in?”

Red flags were waving like Asian kids in a photo.

“Ya know, I’m sorry but I just don’t feel comfortable with that.”
“I just thought I’d throw it out there.”

I came back in and emptied the vacuum inside the living room anyways. My wife felt a little guilty that I didn’t help a guy going through a rough time. I didn’t really want the cops banging on my door for having provided electricity for his heat lamps keeping his “plants” warm (An interesting tidbit: cops here have infared cameras that can see people with heat lamps in their homes). I also didn’t want to have my electricity being the source of his loud playing music that I would have to painfully endure.

I thought this would be the end of our relationship as neighbors. In our particular complex, part of your lease agreement is that you must have power going into your apartment in order for you to live there. Failure to do so results in your eviction. Keep in mind, I live in a place where it’s 112 during the day and 100 at night. It was not the end.

Two nights later some friends were over and we heard a power tool at about 10:30pm. I peeked outside my front door and saw my neighbor who had by this time been without electricity for 3 days. He was most definitely going at the electric meter with a sawsall. I came back inside in a very confused state. Do I call the power company? Do I call the cops? Do I let Darwin prove himself?

Before I could dial a number, 3 cop cars show up with sirens blaring and search lights zooming in every direction. One of the cars was the K-9 unit. I’m not sure what ever happened to my neighbor but I swear I saw a pool of feces by where he was hacking at the electric meter. The cops then make an announcement through their speakers telling us to stay in our homes because they were looking for someone.

Yikes. Although I think it was coincidence that the cops showed up at that time it just gives you an idea of the neighborhood I live in. That was the third time that the K-9 unit has been sent out in the 2 years that I have lived here. The SWAT team has been to my apartment building once, there has been a gunfight 100 ft. from my apartment, and other minor things. We’re moving in August.